Greg Oden says …
Some news you receive is so expected, you bat nary an eyelash. This blurb is one of them. Greg Oden says he is going to sit out The 2012-13 season. I admire his consistency, it is what he has in common with all the all time greats. You always know what Greg will bring to every game. In related news, Morgan Freeman is in discussions to star as Greg in a biopic. The screenplay has revealed a deception that will rock the sports world: Bill Russell duped The Trailblazers to select him number one overall in 2007. He is surely the greatest winner in the history of basketball.
For more Greg Oden tidbits check out this interview with Mark Titus at Grantland.
I Know You’ve Heard About My Reputation
Image via Wikipedia
Comedian, radio personality, romance expert, fashion plate, and mustache dye enthusiast Steve Harvey and Gospel music’s Diddyesque lightning rod Kirk Franklin are, out of the kindness of their hearts
, giving you the opportunity to watch them ply their trades on the same bill for one easy payment of $39.50 or $49.50. The show, which brings to mind the tradition of mildly related service pairings offered by Black businesses, think Ray’s Laundromat and Video Rental Store and Larry’s Auto Repair and Candy shop, is expected to be a hot ticket. Steve Harvey was a part of the most successful comedy tour in North American history, and Kirk Franklin has sold more records than any other gospel artist in The Soundscan Era. Nielsen launched Soundscan in March of 1991. Steve and Kirk are betting that they are the next Chicken and Waffles, and not the next Jay Z and Robert Kelly.
Steve has already noted that it will be difficult for him to make it through the show cleanly. Here is an excerpt from one of the tour’s press releases:
“…It’s going to be funny just watching me trying to get thru this show cleanly. I’m probably going to remind you of somebody you know.”
The tour kicks off in Atlanta Georgia on March 19. Other cities that are set to be blessed with the presence of Steve Harvey and Kirk Franklin are Tampa, Memphis, Jacksonville, Nashville, Shreveport, Louisiana, and Charleston, South Carolina.
It has been nearly seven years since another pair of Titans, Robert Kelly and Jay-Z attempted to bring their talents together for a colossal tour. The result of Jay-Z and R. Kelly’s Best of Both Worlds tour were a mixed bag of pepper spray, possible gun play, hurt feelings, and disappointed fans. I doubt that Mr. Harvey and Mr. Franklin’s egos and entourages will clash to the point where the seven or so city tour will have to be cancelled, but since I am not one to break Murphy’s Law, I will explore the foolery possibilities that this tour provides if one of The Original King’s of Comedy is reduced to being just another opening act for God’s Property.
The first two shows of the tour in Atlanta and Tampa feature only polite applause for Steve, accompanied by smatterings of nervous laughter. The softer comedic material prepared for The Gospel Comedy Tour 2011 is experiencing a slow agonizing death on stage, and and Steve’s entertainer’s ego can’t handle it. He watches from backstage while Kirk’s brand of gospel fusion brings the audience close to ecstasy, and player hates. For the show in Memphis Steve decides to do something drastic. He decides to tap into the power of sex.
Steve adds a fresh coat of dye to his mustache, puts on a cerulean suit with a seductive plunging neckline from his signature line of suits, adds a pair of matching Stacy Adams wing-tip style shoes, and completes the visual feast by leaving the top three buttons of hi shirt unbuttoned; tastefully exposing his taco meat. Steve then decides that his new look needs a hot introductory song to add a cherry on top of the dashing figure he is cutting. He goes with The Time’s “Giggolos Get Lonely Too”. Steve went back and forth about whether or not to use an Oran Juice Jones track with the same name, but felt that the old heads in the audience would respond better to the heartrending vocals of Morris Day. Steve’s material kills in Memphis. The audience rolls in the aisles.
Kirk Franklin is immediately incensed. Steve attempts to calm Kirk by making the argument that “Giggolos Get Lonely Too” is about the redemptive powers of love, and since God is love the song is about God. “It’s the transitive property baby.” Kirk rebukes Steve any way, and declares that Satan, in the guise of Steve Harvey, is in the fight of his life, and will not destroy this tour. This kind of behavior will not be tolerated. “What you did out there tonight was not Christiany at all.” Steve replies, “ but it was funny. And to a comedian that is all that really matters.”
From then on the two men become flirt with becoming bitter enemies. Steve continues to add raunchiness to his set. The Nashville show feature four unbuttoned buttons, and Shreveport saw him pantomime smacking a booty like a “real mack.” When the last show in Jacksonville comes around Kirk has had enough. He tells Steve that he will kill his mic if he does not come back to the flock. Steve’s response was to come out to the Muddy Waters classic “Hoochie Coochie Man”. Kirk and two members of his entourage storm the stage during Steve’s set waving bibles, which rattles The Original King of Comedy. “They are waving bibles at me like I am some kind of devil. I can’t do a show with this kind of foolishness.” And with that Steve storms off, and takes with him all the hope and potential dynamism that a duo of Steve Harvey and Kirk Franklin could have provided the masses.
That Sounds Delish!
“Breast Milk Ice Cream Served at British Parlor”
And I am neither shocked or appalled.
(NewsCore) – Breast milk ice cream was being scooped up by British customers Thursday after a London parlor used milk donated by a UK mom to make the “totally natural” treat.
Victoria Hiley, 35, a mother of one from Leeds in northern England, has already donated a liter of her breast milk to Icecreamists parlor for the dish it calls Baby Gaga, UK website Parentdish reported.
“What’s the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?” said Hiley, who responded to an advert for milk suppliers on another parenting website, Mumsnet. “What could be more natural than fresh, free-range mother’s milk in an ice cream?”
The new parlor, based in London’s trendy Covent Gardendistrict, pays £15 ($24) for every 10 ounces of milk and has already had 15 mothers become donors. Each lactating woman undergoes the same health checks used by the UK’s National Health Service to screen blood donors.
Matt O’Connor, 44, who runs Icecreamists, makes the dish by blending the breast milk with Madagascan vanilla pods and lemon zest.
“No-one’s done anything interesting with ice cream in the last hundred years,” he said. “Some people will hear about it and go, ‘yuck,’ but actually it’s pure, organic, free-range and totally natural.”
Source: Parentdish
In fact I look forward to gambling that my lactose-intolerance will not flair up while I am consuming homemade Pecan and Pralines icecream made from the finest free-range Cambodian breast milk, and being able to exclaim, “Breast milk, you make my day-yay!” This breast milk icecream could easily combine with my go to summer heat beating drink, Passion Tea Lemonade to keep the excessive Southern summer heat at bay in 2011. Please Icecreamists bring your ice cream revolution across the pond, so I might delight some free range mammaration, provided it will not cost me $24 for 10 ounces. That price is highway robbery!
Yum?
2010 in review
The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:
The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.
Crunchy numbers
The average container ship can carry about 4,500 containers. This blog was viewed about 22,000 times in 2010. If each view were a shipping container, your blog would have filled about 5 fully loaded ships.
In 2010, there were 78 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 47 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 4mb. That’s about 4 pictures per month.
The busiest day of the year was December 7th with 847 views. The most popular post that day was Shaq Breaks Sweat; Won’t Need Surgery.
Where did they come from?
The top referring sites in 2010 were alphainventions.com, reddit.com, verysmartbrothas.com, twitter.com, and facebook.com.
Some visitors came searching, mostly for pam grier, handjob, aboutsmall.com, ki toy johnson, and pam grier photos.
Attractions in 2010
These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.
Shaq Breaks Sweat; Won’t Need Surgery December 2010
1 comment
Dark Reign, The List, and Pam Grier May 2010
4 comments
If That’s Your Boyfriend He Wasn’t Last Night October 2010
7 comments
No Wedding, No Womb September 2010
7 comments
Women As Pokemon and Other Things I Have Never Finished Writing June 2010
4 comments and 1 Like on WordPress.com,
Stray Utterances
Sometimes when men and/or women are confabulating a phrase will fall from the lips that is so memorbable that it comes to dominate your memories of that person. Here is one of those instances. I heard it straight from the harlot’s mouth.
“Damn that is one of dem 1960’s pussy! I ain’t seen one of those since the end of The WAR!”
The war in question was The Vietnam War, and the pussy belonged to a parttime whore who plied her trade on Birmingham, Alabama‘s Lower East Side. She was well known in the hole in the walls and private clubs that dotted 10th Avenue North, and the private houses of disrepute that were common in the East Birmingham neighborhood. The utterer of that phrase was a man known in the community as Big Demp. He was the beau of a proprieter of a local “Shot House”. Demp was a lustful lush who wore his love of tang on his sleeve. One day while at a secret watering hole, the parttime prostitute whom we will call “Freaky K” from now on, showed up intent on earning enough money for her rent. Her attempts to chat up the potential tricks in the room were frustrated by the heated game of Tunk that was being played at the moment. She turned to leave the room and search for customers at another locale, when she was stopped by Big Demp. Demp is reported to have said, ” you seem to be trying to make some money. Let me see that monkey.” ”
Freaky K replied, “you ain’t ready for this old man. You would drown in this.”
“Bull shit. Demp ain’t never been drowned. I am trying to drop some money on you, but I got to know what you are working with.” Demp reached into his pocket and pulled out a thick roll of bills to let Keisha know he was serious.
“I will put a down payment on it.” Demp reached into the bills and pulled out a 50 dollar bill and forced it down her shirt. “There is more where that came from, if you are serious about making this money.”
By now the Tunk players’ attention had been drawn away from their game and onto the haggling of Big Demp and Freaky K, and they began to egg her on by flashing their money. Shouts of “Let us see that pussy”, began to erupt from the drunk men. Bills began to fly into the air as the men started to toss bills Freaky K’s way. Not one to disappoint an audience or leave the opportunity to scoop up the bills that were beginning to accumulate in great number at her feet, K decorously lifted up her skirt and bared her womenhood to the men. The classically hairy bush was a hit, leading Big Demp to exclaim, “Damn that is one of dem 1960’s pussy! I ain’t seen one of those since the war.”
In one motion K scooped up the money, and dragged Demp towards the door. She still had designs on getting as much of his bank roll as possible. Demp and K made their way to her appartment, where Demp immediately dropped his trousers. K went through the motions of getting him ready for fellatio, but at the last moment whipped out a taser. She shocked the man until he lost consciousness. While he was laid out she rummaged through his pockets robbing him blind, she then stripped him completely naked, and gave him a handjob. She made sure not to clean him up.
The next morning Demp awoke covered in his own fluids, a plate of hotcakes and syrup next to him, and no memory of being tased. K looked at him with a mix of scorn and amusement. “You could not hang old man. You got yours, but passed out before you could get mine. I won’t tell nobody that Big Demp couldn’t come with it though. A lady never kisses and tells. Eat your food Demp, and get out of here before your old lady comes looking for you with her that 9 millimeter of hers. We don’t need that trouble.”
Shaq Breaks Sweat; Won’t Need Surgery
Shaqulle O’Neal (pictured below in happier times) broke a sweat last night. The arena gasped when clearly visible droplets of sweat began to set up shop on Shaq’s brow.
It caused him to have to sit out the second half of Boston’s Sunday afternoon victory over The New Jersey Nets. “I just forgot to take my drugs,” said O’Neal. “Without them, I can’t really play right now. But I’ll be fine Wednesday [against the Denver Nuggets].” Shaq’s chronic sweating has long been the bane of his basketball playing existence. His sweat issues combined with Kobe Bryant’s selfish play led to one of the biggest upsets in NBA Finals history when the superstar and barberless Detroit Pistons upset the Los Angeles Lakers in 5 games.
Shaquille O’Neal whose first name means little warrior, displayed a warrior’s spirit by fighting through his injury. Doc Rivers could not help but to praise his effort. “Shaq was great,” coach Doc Rivers said. “He told me before the game that he probably wouldn’t go, but we didn’t have enough players. And he said, ‘If you just play me three and four minutes in a row, see how long I can go through halftime.’’
As of this writing Shaquille will not have to undergo the knife. MRI’s came back negative. Mr. O’Neal is playing it safe though, and plans to pay a visit to Dr. James Andrews on one of the Celtics’ upcoming off days.
In Appreciation Of…
I was derelict in my blogging duties in October. The tenth month of the year pulls triple duty. In addition to being the month that contains what many believe is the birthday of the homie Satan, it is also Domestic Violence AND Breast Cancer Awareness Month. My anger and disgust over The NFL’s disastrous incorporation of pink into some uniforms in observance of Breast Cancer Awareness Month caused a cooling of relations between me and my oldest friends; The Tittays of The World.
A simple classy ribbon logo to show solidarity with breasts should have been enough. My disappointment with The Shield for its fashion faux pas has subsided, and my love for breasts in all of their shapes and sizes have returned. All of them are beautiful, but not all of them are of equal importance. No breasts are of more historical, environmental, economic, and cultural importance as the funbags that belong to Aretha Franklin.
Aretha’s Breasts are real, and they are spectacular.
Aretha’s Breasts work in concert with The Moon to regulate the tides of the ocean.
Did you know Aretha’s breasts are the reason that Scralett O’Harra never went hungry again?
NASA satellites broadcast the sound that Aretha’s heaving bosom makes when she walks into the far reaches of space in an effort to entice intelligent life into communicating with us puny Earthlings.
Aretha’s boobs are officially a sovereign nation, and have signed The Kyoto Protocols, but do not recognize The Geneva Conventions.
The citizens of Arethasbreastistan live in a Socialist Utopia that is the most technologically advanced nation on the planet. The citizens practice a religion based around a Breast Spirit. The Marvel Universe nation of Wakanda is loosely based on it.
Those are a few facts about Aretha’s lovely lady lumps that you may have been unfamiliar with.
Stocking Stuffers
It is that time of year again where credit cards get maxed out, relatives over stay their welcome, and people try to convince themselves that there is something beautiful about barren, death-filled snowscapes that come with Winter. Welcome to the Holiday Season! In recognition of this momentous time of year, I will offer stocking stuffer ideas for the important people in your life. Fa-la-la-la motherfuckers!
For The Teen Mom In Your Life Who Will Soon Occupy The Whitehouse:
Rhythm
Bristol Palin is not only the unwitting poster child for the failings and irony of “The Abstinence Only” education movement, she and her mother are also poster children for the failings of democracy. “Rule By The Mob” is the only reason why Bristol is still alive on “Dancing With The Stars”. Her attempts at dance have had Fossi turning 360s in his tomb for weeks.
For The Profession Basketball Playing Velociraptor In Your Life:
A Sack
Chris Bosh needs to get a sack because he is playing on the offensive end like he lacks one. Chris is at his best when he is assertive and instinctual with the ball in his hand. The best part of Chris’ offensive arsenal is his face-up game, which is effective primarily because of the quickness he displays that allows him to drive on slower big men. Chris get yourself a set of testicles and start playing your game. A passive Chris Bosh is a useless Chris Bosh, is a traded Chris Bosh. Quit being a bitch.
For The Code Violating Cancer Patient In Your Life:
An Audition To Star As Lex Luthor In Zack Snyder’s Superman Reboot
Charlie Villanueva, who suffers from alopecia unversalis, a condition that leaves his body completely hairless and an easy target for ridicule. Recently during a game pitting Villanueva’s Pistons against The Celtics of Boston, Kevin Garnett may have likened Villanueva’s apperance to that of a cancer patient. Whether or not the comparison was apt is not important, neither are the possibilities that it brought painful memories of a lifetime of teasing suffered by Charlie flooding back, or if it offended the sensibilities of cancer patients, their loved ones, or alopecia unversalis sufferers and their loved ones.
So Reverend what about The “Cancer Patient Incident” is important?
The thing that is important is that in a stroke of Machiavellian brilliance Charlie took his grievance against KG to the Twitter and touched off a media firestorm. Charlie was able to deflect attention from his subpar performance, and his cancerous effect on his team and The NBA. If Charlie can channel his vulpine instincts into the role he was born to play, Lex Luthor, he may garner Oscar consideration.
For The Disgraced Mega-Church Pastor In Your Life:
The Pedophile’s Guide To Love and Pleasure
You will have to get this gift for Ol’ Uncle Eddie as ASAP, as there is a petition movement afoot to force Amazon to remove the book, and other products similar to it, from it’s online marketplace.
*Dash does not approve of pedophilia in anyway, and would love for you to sign the petition to get Amazon to pull the book. He also does not approve of Jheri Curl-Eddie Munster combo haircuts, or The Tea Party Movement high-jacking America’s televised talent shows. Dash Out
I Am Fable!
The article that below will have you warily holding onto your guns and religion.
Virus Breakthrough Raises Hope Over Ending Common Cold, Medical Research Council Study
Medical News Today — UK scientists have discovered that our antibodies can fight viruses from inside infected cells, a major breakthrough in our understanding of how our immune system responds to viral infections, such as the common cold, gastroenteritis and winter vomiting. This latest research, from the Medical Research Council (MRC), UK, provides scientists with a new set of rules that will have a huge impact on future antiviral research.
There are two things you should be wary of:
1)The Ides of March
2)Zombie Apocalypse’s brought upon by well-meaning medical research involving viruses.
In “Are You Prepared“, I warned of a Mad Max-style Dystopian future brought about by a Civil War that was the product of White anger of life in Obama’s American, after the demise of The Golden-Age of W.
We are approaching a period of great civil unrest. White militias are being raided, Lynn Cheney and Sarah Palin are readying presidential bids, gas prices are poised to skyrocket, the currency is shaky, unemployment continues to rise, and there is a negro in The Whitehouse. The fuse is lit, and an explosion of violence is imminent. What will you do when the skies are filled with fires, and all that is left is ash and regret? Well if you did not make it to Canada, Europe, or Cuba, all you can do is survive. Here are some things you will need to survive in the dystopian future that is right around the corner.
My timetable and vision of the future calamity was off. I did not foresee the rise to power of The Tea Party, and the calming effect it will undoubtedly have on the smoldering White Anger that was threatening The African American Dream. In White Anger’s place, we have the menace of an “I Am Legendesque” Zombie Apocalypse. I am here to prepare you.
WHAT YOU NEED?
A Best Friend of Canine Persuasion
Will Smith had a dog. It was ride or die. Dogs are great sentries. Their keen sense of smell make them great foragers, and women are often big fans of dogs. Getting the draws is important even in a world in the throes of an Undead Armageddon.
A Dead Family
The memories of your dead family can be used to motivate you when hope is low, and you believe you have reached the end of your rope. Being able to channel the dogged determination of Briana, your alopecia universalis addled daughter, will give you the extra oomph you need to stave off your inevitable suicide.
Cowrie Shells
What happens when The British Pound, American Dollar, and Euro lose all of their value? Do you invest in precious metals like gold? Hell no! You get yourself a trunk full of Cowry Shells, the currency of the future. Cowry Shell jewelery will be the status symbols of post-Zomie Earth-616.
From Are You Prepared?:
Condoms
Condoms: The ultimate form of protection. Pipe down future skanks with the comfort of knowing that they will not be looking for you with additional mouths to feed. You are a loner anti-hero, and having kids will not only rob you of cool points, but could put you at risk of giving birth of a Daken or a Damien Wayne.
Tool Set
For when a job is too big for your Swiss Army knife, a nice set of tools will come in handy. Also having the ability to fix things will make you invaluable to whatever community of road warriors you find yourself a member of.
A Badass Motorcycle
I for one will not be caught dead in a zombie, mutant, or hillbilly filled wasteland future without a jawdropping ride. Those condoms you have will be of no use, if you lack a hook to differentiate yourself from the undersexed hordes of men who will populate the not so distant future.
My lists of necessary items are far from complete, but acquiring these things is essential to surviving The End of The World As We Know It.
Sometimes being a prophet blows!
Related Articles
- Scientists redefine how our immune system responds to viruses (physorg.com)
- Breakthrough could pave way to cure for the common cold (healthzone.ca)
- Virus breakthrough raises hope over ending common cold (bbc.co.uk)
The Bard Returns To His Natural Environment
I was shocked today to find my twitter timeline choked with with news of the incarceration of Gucci Mane, “The Preeminent Wordsmith of Our Time”. I really believed him when he claimed that he was a changed man, and that his last bid led to a lot of soul-searching. While doing the press junket in support of his latest album “The Appeal”, Gucci Mane, born Radric Davis said this:
“I changed a lot in there,” Davis recently told the Los Angeles Times. “I know this is serious now and I have a lot to get off my chest. This record is painful and gothic and epic, but it’s the soundtrack of my past.”
Peep my man’s use of Gothic, an homage to the “Southern Gothic” fiction of William Faulkner, Eudora Welty, Flannery O’Connor, and John Berendt that has been a huge influence on his work. Gucci Mane’s ability to merge his Southern Gothic influences with the gritty urban myth that characterizes the work of Street Lit genius Iceberg Slim is a remarkable feast for the ear and mind’s eye when he is on top of his game, but lately Gucci Mane has not been on the Acme of his Milton Bradley. Something has been missing. But don’t fret fans…. I am of the mind that it is the penis he has become accustomed to receiving during his periods of incarceration in Southern Prisons. This should be a sad day for fans of Mr. LaFlare, but I am here to tell you that “The Gucci Massive” should be encouraged. A quick dip into penal system could be just what Gucci needs to regain the energy and momentum that characterized his 2009 output. It is this hope that is keeping me from despairing at thought of the world once again losing it’s Bard.
(AllHipHop News) Rapper Gucci Man has been arrested for a myriad of traffic infractions and had to be restrained with pepper spray, according to published reports.
Gucci
, real name Radric Davis, is charged with driving on the wrong side of the road, running a red light or stop sign, damage to government property, obstruction, no license, no proof of insurance and other traffic charges, Atlanta Police spokesman Curtis Davenport told the Atlanta Journal Constitution.
Praise Jah for this day if you are a fan of ignorant traptastic rap. A return to his natural environment is just what The Reverend Dr. ordered.
Watch Me Yule 