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I Am Fable!

November 3, 2010

The article that below will have you warily holding onto your guns and religion.

Virus Breakthrough Raises Hope Over Ending Common Cold, Medical Research Council Study

Medical News Today — UK scientists have discovered that our antibodies can fight viruses from inside infected cells, a major breakthrough in our understanding of how our immune system responds to viral infections, such as the common cold, gastroenteritis and winter vomiting. This latest research, from the Medical Research Council (MRC), UK, provides scientists with a new set of rules that will have a huge impact on future antiviral research.

There are two things you should be wary of:

1)The Ides of March

2)Zombie Apocalypse’s brought upon by well-meaning medical research involving viruses.

In “Are You Prepared“, I warned of a Mad Max-style Dystopian future brought about by a Civil War that was the product of White anger of life in Obama’s American, after the demise of The Golden-Age of W.

We are approaching a period of great civil unrest. White militias are being raided, Lynn Cheney and Sarah Palin are readying presidential bids, gas prices are poised to skyrocket, the currency is shaky, unemployment continues to rise, and there is a negro in The Whitehouse. The fuse is lit, and an explosion of violence is imminent. What will you do when the skies are filled with fires, and all that is left is ash and regret? Well if you did not make it to Canada, Europe, or Cuba, all you can do is survive. Here are some things you will need to survive in the dystopian future that is right around the corner.

My timetable and vision of the future calamity was off. I did not foresee the rise to power of The Tea Party, and the calming effect it will undoubtedly have on the smoldering White Anger that was threatening The African American Dream. In White Anger’s place, we have the menace of an “I Am Legendesque” Zombie Apocalypse. I am here to prepare you.

WHAT YOU NEED?

A Best Friend of Canine Persuasion

File:YellowLabradorLooking new.jpg

Will Smith had a dog. It was ride or die. Dogs are great sentries. Their keen sense of smell make them great foragers, and women are often big fans of dogs. Getting the draws is important even in a world in the throes of an Undead Armageddon.

A Dead Family

The memories of your dead family can be used to motivate you when hope is low, and you believe you have reached the end of your rope. Being able to channel the dogged determination of Briana, your alopecia universalis addled daughter, will give you the extra oomph you need to stave off your inevitable suicide.

Cowrie Shells

What happens when The British Pound, American Dollar, and Euro lose all of their value? Do you invest in precious metals like gold? Hell no! You get yourself a trunk full of Cowry Shells, the currency of the future. Cowry Shell jewelery will be the status symbols of post-Zomie Earth-616.

From Are You Prepared?:

Condoms

Condoms: The ultimate form of protection. Pipe down future skanks with the comfort of knowing that they will not be looking for you with additional mouths to feed. You are a loner anti-hero, and having kids will not only rob you of cool points, but could put you at risk of giving birth of a Daken or a Damien Wayne.

Tool Set

For when a job is too big for your Swiss Army knife, a nice set of tools will come in handy. Also having the ability to fix things will make you invaluable to whatever community of road warriors you find yourself a member of.

A Badass Motorcycle

I for one will not be caught dead in a zombie, mutant, or hillbilly filled wasteland future without a jawdropping ride. Those condoms you have will be of no use, if you lack a hook to differentiate yourself from the undersexed hordes of men who will populate the not so distant future.

My lists of necessary items are far from complete, but acquiring these things is essential to surviving The End of The World As We Know It.

Sometimes being a prophet blows!

 

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 9, 2010 4:00 pm

    May I add weapons:

    -12 Remington 870 shotgun with heat guard and 18 inch barrel
    -M-18 Claymore mine http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claymore_mine For those times when you are in a fixed position.
    -Machete or tactical ax
    -Night googles.

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