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Are You Prepared?

March 31, 2010

We are approaching a period of great civil unrest. White militias are being raided, Lynn Cheney and Sarah Palin are readying presidential bids, gas prices are poised to skyrocket, the currency is shaky, unemployment continues to rise, and there is a negro in The Whitehouse. The fuse is lit, and an explosion of violence is imminent. What will you do when the skies are filled with fires, and all that is left is ash and regret? Well if you did not make it to Canada, Europe, or Cuba, all you can do is survive. Here are some things you will need to survive in the dystopian future that is right around the corner.

Condoms: The ultimate form of protection. Pipe down future skanks with the comfort of knowing that they will not be looking for you with additional mouths to feed. You are a loner anti-hero, and having kids will not only rob you of cool points, but could put you at risk of giving birth of a Daken or a Damien Wayne.

Spiked Shoulder Pads: They are not only a fashion statment, but they have a great deal of utility. During melees they can be both a defensive mechanism, and an offensive weapon.

Bow and Arrow: The United States is a very well armed country, but eventually our supply of bullets will run low, and leave those of us who are handy with a bow and arrow a decided advantage over those who can only squeeze a trigger. The bow is also great for hunting wild game.

Swiss Army Knife: This knife can do it all. It will help you clean a carcass or fish, or fix little things around you home.

Tool Set: For when a job is too big for your Swiss Army knife, a nice set of tools will come in handy. Also having the ability to fix things will make you invaluable to whatever community of road warriors you find yourself a member of.

A Badass Motorcycle: I for one will not be caught dead in a zombie, mutant, or hillbilly filled wasteland future without a jawdropping ride.

Gas Jug: You will need to be able to carry around your gasoline, or what is left of it to power your hog, and a cheap gas jug will do the trick nicely.

Katana: This sword is great for close quarter combat, and it’s sharp edge makes almost every blow, a killing blow.

Tent: It is light, very portable, and will protect you from the elements.

I don’t think I missed anything, but if I did fill in the holes.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. April 1, 2010 8:33 pm

    this was a very good read. made me laugh AND made me think.
    I love swords and have already started collecting them. I think i will be good and ready!

  2. April 7, 2010 7:07 pm

    Lol, I am cracking up laughing at the things you have on here. I love the spiked shoulder pads.

    Tiffany
    http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com

  3. May 14, 2010 12:31 am

    I would like to recommend a shotgun. It will stop most threats just not Daken.

    • May 17, 2010 12:45 pm

      Carbonadium bullets will mute his healing factor. I will keep some on deck just for him.

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