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Stocking Stuffers

November 10, 2010

It is that time of year again where credit cards get maxed out, relatives over stay their welcome, and people try to convince themselves that there is something beautiful about barren, death-filled snowscapes that come with Winter. Welcome to the Holiday Season! In recognition of this momentous time of year, I will offer stocking stuffer ideas for the important people in your life. Fa-la-la-la motherfuckers!

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For The Teen Mom In Your Life Who Will Soon Occupy The Whitehouse:

Rhythm

Bristol Palin is not only the unwitting poster child for the failings and irony of “The Abstinence Only” education movement, she and her mother are also poster children for the failings of democracy. “Rule By The Mob” is the only reason why Bristol is still alive on “Dancing With The Stars”. Her attempts at dance have had Fossi turning 360s in his tomb for weeks.

For The Profession Basketball Playing Velociraptor In Your Life:

A Sack

Chris Bosh needs to get a sack because he is playing on the offensive end like he lacks one. Chris is at his best when he is assertive and instinctual with the ball in his hand. The best part of Chris’ offensive arsenal is his face-up game, which is effective primarily because of the quickness he displays that allows him to drive on slower big men. Chris get yourself a set of testicles and start playing your game. A passive Chris Bosh is a useless Chris Bosh, is a traded Chris Bosh. Quit being a bitch.

For The Code Violating Cancer Patient In Your Life:

An Audition To Star As Lex Luthor In Zack Snyder’s Superman Reboot

Charlie Villanueva, who suffers from alopecia unversalis, a condition that leaves his body completely hairless and an easy target for ridicule. Recently during a game pitting Villanueva’s Pistons against The Celtics of Boston, Kevin Garnett may have likened Villanueva’s apperance to that of a cancer patient. Whether or not the comparison was apt is not important, neither are the possibilities that it brought painful memories of a lifetime of teasing suffered by Charlie flooding back, or if it offended the sensibilities of cancer patients, their loved ones, or alopecia unversalis sufferers and their loved ones.

So Reverend what about The “Cancer Patient Incident”  is important?

The thing that is important is that in a stroke of Machiavellian brilliance Charlie took his grievance against KG to the Twitter and touched off a media firestorm. Charlie was able to deflect attention from his subpar performance, and  his cancerous effect on his team and The NBA. If Charlie can channel his vulpine instincts into the role he was born to play, Lex Luthor, he may garner Oscar consideration.

For The Disgraced Mega-Church Pastor In Your Life:

The Pedophile’s Guide To Love and Pleasure

You will have to get this gift for Ol’ Uncle Eddie as ASAP, as there is a petition movement afoot to force Amazon to remove the book, and other products similar to it,  from it’s online marketplace.

*Dash does not approve of pedophilia in anyway, and would love for you to sign the petition to get Amazon to pull the book. He also does not approve of Jheri Curl-Eddie Munster combo haircuts, or The Tea Party Movement high-jacking America’s televised talent shows. Dash Out


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I Am Fable!

November 3, 2010

The article that below will have you warily holding onto your guns and religion.

Virus Breakthrough Raises Hope Over Ending Common Cold, Medical Research Council Study

Medical News Today — UK scientists have discovered that our antibodies can fight viruses from inside infected cells, a major breakthrough in our understanding of how our immune system responds to viral infections, such as the common cold, gastroenteritis and winter vomiting. This latest research, from the Medical Research Council (MRC), UK, provides scientists with a new set of rules that will have a huge impact on future antiviral research.

There are two things you should be wary of:

1)The Ides of March

2)Zombie Apocalypse’s brought upon by well-meaning medical research involving viruses.

In “Are You Prepared“, I warned of a Mad Max-style Dystopian future brought about by a Civil War that was the product of White anger of life in Obama’s American, after the demise of The Golden-Age of W.

We are approaching a period of great civil unrest. White militias are being raided, Lynn Cheney and Sarah Palin are readying presidential bids, gas prices are poised to skyrocket, the currency is shaky, unemployment continues to rise, and there is a negro in The Whitehouse. The fuse is lit, and an explosion of violence is imminent. What will you do when the skies are filled with fires, and all that is left is ash and regret? Well if you did not make it to Canada, Europe, or Cuba, all you can do is survive. Here are some things you will need to survive in the dystopian future that is right around the corner.

My timetable and vision of the future calamity was off. I did not foresee the rise to power of The Tea Party, and the calming effect it will undoubtedly have on the smoldering White Anger that was threatening The African American Dream. In White Anger’s place, we have the menace of an “I Am Legendesque” Zombie Apocalypse. I am here to prepare you.

WHAT YOU NEED?

A Best Friend of Canine Persuasion

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Will Smith had a dog. It was ride or die. Dogs are great sentries. Their keen sense of smell make them great foragers, and women are often big fans of dogs. Getting the draws is important even in a world in the throes of an Undead Armageddon.

A Dead Family

The memories of your dead family can be used to motivate you when hope is low, and you believe you have reached the end of your rope. Being able to channel the dogged determination of Briana, your alopecia universalis addled daughter, will give you the extra oomph you need to stave off your inevitable suicide.

Cowrie Shells

What happens when The British Pound, American Dollar, and Euro lose all of their value? Do you invest in precious metals like gold? Hell no! You get yourself a trunk full of Cowry Shells, the currency of the future. Cowry Shell jewelery will be the status symbols of post-Zomie Earth-616.

From Are You Prepared?:

Condoms

Condoms: The ultimate form of protection. Pipe down future skanks with the comfort of knowing that they will not be looking for you with additional mouths to feed. You are a loner anti-hero, and having kids will not only rob you of cool points, but could put you at risk of giving birth of a Daken or a Damien Wayne.

Tool Set

For when a job is too big for your Swiss Army knife, a nice set of tools will come in handy. Also having the ability to fix things will make you invaluable to whatever community of road warriors you find yourself a member of.

A Badass Motorcycle

I for one will not be caught dead in a zombie, mutant, or hillbilly filled wasteland future without a jawdropping ride. Those condoms you have will be of no use, if you lack a hook to differentiate yourself from the undersexed hordes of men who will populate the not so distant future.

My lists of necessary items are far from complete, but acquiring these things is essential to surviving The End of The World As We Know It.

Sometimes being a prophet blows!

 

The Bard Returns To His Natural Environment

November 2, 2010

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I was shocked today to find my twitter timeline choked with with news of the incarceration of Gucci Mane, “The Preeminent Wordsmith of Our Time”. I really believed him when he claimed that he was a changed man, and that his last bid led to a lot of soul-searching. While doing the press junket in support of his latest album “The Appeal”, Gucci Mane, born Radric Davis said this:

“I changed a lot in there,” Davis recently told the Los Angeles Times. “I know this is serious now and I have a lot to get off my chest. This record is painful and gothic and epic, but it’s the soundtrack of my past.”

Peep my man’s use of Gothic, an homage to the “Southern Gothic” fiction of William Faulkner, Eudora Welty, Flannery O’Connor, and John Berendt that has been a huge influence on his work. Gucci Mane’s ability to merge his Southern Gothic influences with the gritty urban myth that characterizes the work of Street Lit genius Iceberg Slim is a remarkable feast for the ear and mind’s eye when he is on top of his game, but lately Gucci Mane has not been on the Acme of his Milton Bradley. Something has been missing. But don’t fret fans…. I am of the mind that it is the penis he has become accustomed to receiving during his periods of incarceration in Southern Prisons.  This should be a sad day for fans of Mr. LaFlare, but I am here to tell you that “The Gucci Massive” should be encouraged. A quick dip into penal system could be just what Gucci needs to regain the energy and momentum that characterized his 2009 output. It is this hope that is keeping me from despairing at thought of the world once again losing it’s Bard.

(AllHipHop News) Rapper Gucci Man has been arrested for a myriad of traffic infractions and had to be restrained with pepper spray, according to published reports.

Gucci, real name Radric Davis, is charged with driving on the wrong side of the road, running a red light or stop sign, damage to government property, obstruction, no license, no proof of insurance and other traffic charges, Atlanta Police spokesman Curtis Davenport told the Atlanta Journal Constitution.

Praise Jah for this day if you are a fan of ignorant traptastic rap. A return to his natural environment is just what The Reverend Dr. ordered.

Hammer Just Had To Hurt Em

November 1, 2010

I pleaded with MC Hammer to squash his beef with Jay Z. Jigga just does not have the skills to contend with a fire-breathing microphone fiend on the level of Mr. Stanley Kirk Burrell. Here is an excerpt from my impassioned letter to Master of Ceremonies Hammer:

Think about the children Hammer…the young impressionable children. A bi-coastal rap-feud featuring a legend like yourself, and a young brash up and comer like Jay-Z has the potential to incite a Hip Hop civil war at the level not seen since The Ice-T-LLCoolJ War of the 80′s. That conflict claimed 142,000 lives. Do you want that much blood on your hands Stanley?

Hammer wants that much blood on his hands.

Has the world corrupted him and given him a new raging ego that has absolutely no qualms about pursuing a war that endangers the very existence of Hip Hop?

I know his heart is in the right place, but so was Carlos The Jackal’s.

The parasitic Illuminati elements that have taken root in the body of Hip Hop culture have to be quashed, but the cure that Mr. Hammer proposes just may be worse than the disease, and lead the Boom Bap community onto an accelerated path of self-destruction.

Watch the below video, and pray. Pray that we make it past this dark day.

EDIT: Illuminati interests have pressured youtube into removing the video.

EDIT: A kind soul has reuploaded the video.

 

The Illuminati better RUN RUN!

The Highlight Reel

October 27, 2010

Last night was opening night for the 2010-11 NBA season, and the debut of the much ballyhooed Miami Big Three. The hype around this debut was deafening. Think of a combination of the releases of 50 Cent’s “Get Rich Or Die Trying”, Drake’s “Thank Me Later”, the series premiere of Law and Order: Los Angeles, and The White Iphone. I could not allow the opportunity to provide a personal account of this game for future historians, so I live tweeted the game. Here are the highlights.

Is The Everloving Blue-Eyed Thing Capable of Intercourse?

October 25, 2010

I have always wondered if it was ever that kind of clobbering time for ol’ Ben Grimm. His difficulty with accepting his physical form has been well chronicled over the 50 years of Fantastic Four continuity. The resulting depression has often alienated him from his teammates, and from the love of his life, the blind sculptress, Alicia Masters.

Dash is of the mind that the depression that often consumes Ol Blue-eyes could be mitigated with a few sessions of “The Horizontal Mambo”. I am certain The Thing has the tools to please the ladies. Check out homie’s abilities:

The Thing has superhuman strength, durability, enhanced lung capacity, above average reflexes and dexterity, and is blessed with an ungodly amount of stamina.

Do you hear that ladies? The Thing has that strong back and stamina that you crave, which couple with his rock like skin, that I hypothesize, would keep his member perpetually hard you have yourself an Everloving One-Eyed Thing. I guess that is how he got the name.

*Like Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim*

So ladies are you ready to get down with Aunt Petunia’s favorite nephew?

Note: the rocky penis could cause a great deal of vaginal trauma, but I am sure Reed Richards has already developed a special condom for Ben to use. Safe sex is the best sex, so wrap it up even if Ben prefers it raw.

So Unappalled….

October 17, 2010

That album cover above is supposedly so dangerous, offensive, fashion-forward, and cutting edge that America has chosen to censor it. If this effort, which is a transparent attempt by Kanye West to court controversy, is enough to bring down the ban hammer, then my theatrical interpretation of The Little Red Hen has no chance of seeing the light of day. My reinterpretation of  CB4 will never reach a wide audience, and the world will never know the majesty of my reboot of The Fantastic Four movie franchise. The banning of the cover for Kanye West’s “My Dark Twisted Fantasy” is the canary in the artistic mine shaft that died to let us know that we should be clutching our copies of Lady Chatterly’s Lover close, holding our unedited editions of Huck Finn dear, and placing our copies of Booty #69 in a very safe place. Our world is about to become a place where everyone will be so unappalled. The forces that fight to protect us from all things disgusting and indecent are coming for those of us who find merit in gutter-strewn trash masquerading as art.

You have been warned!