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Hammer Just Had To Hurt Em

November 1, 2010

I pleaded with MC Hammer to squash his beef with Jay Z. Jigga just does not have the skills to contend with a fire-breathing microphone fiend on the level of Mr. Stanley Kirk Burrell. Here is an excerpt from my impassioned letter to Master of Ceremonies Hammer:

Think about the children Hammer…the young impressionable children. A bi-coastal rap-feud featuring a legend like yourself, and a young brash up and comer like Jay-Z has the potential to incite a Hip Hop civil war at the level not seen since The Ice-T-LLCoolJ War of the 80′s. That conflict claimed 142,000 lives. Do you want that much blood on your hands Stanley?

Hammer wants that much blood on his hands.

Has the world corrupted him and given him a new raging ego that has absolutely no qualms about pursuing a war that endangers the very existence of Hip Hop?

I know his heart is in the right place, but so was Carlos The Jackal’s.

The parasitic Illuminati elements that have taken root in the body of Hip Hop culture have to be quashed, but the cure that Mr. Hammer proposes just may be worse than the disease, and lead the Boom Bap community onto an accelerated path of self-destruction.

Watch the below video, and pray. Pray that we make it past this dark day.

EDIT: Illuminati interests have pressured youtube into removing the video.

EDIT: A kind soul has reuploaded the video.

 

The Illuminati better RUN RUN!

The Highlight Reel

October 27, 2010

Last night was opening night for the 2010-11 NBA season, and the debut of the much ballyhooed Miami Big Three. The hype around this debut was deafening. Think of a combination of the releases of 50 Cent’s “Get Rich Or Die Trying”, Drake’s “Thank Me Later”, the series premiere of Law and Order: Los Angeles, and The White Iphone. I could not allow the opportunity to provide a personal account of this game for future historians, so I live tweeted the game. Here are the highlights.

Is The Everloving Blue-Eyed Thing Capable of Intercourse?

October 25, 2010

I have always wondered if it was ever that kind of clobbering time for ol’ Ben Grimm. His difficulty with accepting his physical form has been well chronicled over the 50 years of Fantastic Four continuity. The resulting depression has often alienated him from his teammates, and from the love of his life, the blind sculptress, Alicia Masters.

Dash is of the mind that the depression that often consumes Ol Blue-eyes could be mitigated with a few sessions of “The Horizontal Mambo”. I am certain The Thing has the tools to please the ladies. Check out homie’s abilities:

The Thing has superhuman strength, durability, enhanced lung capacity, above average reflexes and dexterity, and is blessed with an ungodly amount of stamina.

Do you hear that ladies? The Thing has that strong back and stamina that you crave, which couple with his rock like skin, that I hypothesize, would keep his member perpetually hard you have yourself an Everloving One-Eyed Thing. I guess that is how he got the name.

*Like Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim*

So ladies are you ready to get down with Aunt Petunia’s favorite nephew?

Note: the rocky penis could cause a great deal of vaginal trauma, but I am sure Reed Richards has already developed a special condom for Ben to use. Safe sex is the best sex, so wrap it up even if Ben prefers it raw.

So Unappalled….

October 17, 2010

That album cover above is supposedly so dangerous, offensive, fashion-forward, and cutting edge that America has chosen to censor it. If this effort, which is a transparent attempt by Kanye West to court controversy, is enough to bring down the ban hammer, then my theatrical interpretation of The Little Red Hen has no chance of seeing the light of day. My reinterpretation of  CB4 will never reach a wide audience, and the world will never know the majesty of my reboot of The Fantastic Four movie franchise. The banning of the cover for Kanye West’s “My Dark Twisted Fantasy” is the canary in the artistic mine shaft that died to let us know that we should be clutching our copies of Lady Chatterly’s Lover close, holding our unedited editions of Huck Finn dear, and placing our copies of Booty #69 in a very safe place. Our world is about to become a place where everyone will be so unappalled. The forces that fight to protect us from all things disgusting and indecent are coming for those of us who find merit in gutter-strewn trash masquerading as art.

You have been warned!

Re-Incarnate Me As A Turtle

October 14, 2010

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be another animal. My mind tends to drift to the usual suspects, like Big Cats, penguins, flying fowl, and bulls. All these animals have drawbacks, unlike the  awesome turtle. If I am to be reincarnated as a “lower” being, I would like that being to be a turtle. Granted all things considered, my preference would be  to come back as a Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtle, provided it is not Michelangelo, but since it is unlikely that my reincarnated turtle-self will be introduced to the secrets of the ooze, being a regular turtle will suffice. Why would I rather be a turtle than any other creature? The answers are below. File:Florida Box Turtle Digon3 re-edited.jpg

Everyone loves the idea of flying. R.Kelly was so obsessed with it, that he took time out of his busy schedule of pissing the youth of Chicago, and collabos with Ronald Isley to record multiple songs and interludes about the majesty of taking flight. So I am sure you are asking me, what is the drawback of being a flying fowl? There are three issues that often come with being a flying fowl.

  1. The lightweight skeleton that makes birds light enough to fly has a drawback of making birds frail.
  2. Birds have to build nests, and/or migrate to have a decent place to live.
  3. Birds are often delicious, and are sought after by other animals as meals.

Warm Duck Salad

Ingredients

  • 2 boneless duck breasts, skin on (about 12 to 14 ounces each)
  • Kosher salt
  • 1 tablespoon minced shallots
  • 2 1/2 tablespoons good sherry vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon grated orange zest
  • 1/2 cup good olive oil
  • 3 heads Belgian endive
  • 3 ounces mache or other delicate baby lettuce
  • Navel oranges, peeled, cut in 1/2, and sliced
  • 1/2 pint fresh raspberries
  • 1 cup toasted whole pecan halves

Directions

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

Place the duck breasts on a sheet pan, skin side up. Sprinkle with salt and roast for about 20 minutes, until medium-rare. Remove from the oven, cover tightly with aluminum foil, and allow to sit for 10 to 15 minutes. Remove and discard the fat and skin on top (unless you’re making cracklings), slice the duck, and then cut the slices crosswise into julienned pieces.

Meanwhile, in a small bowl, combine the shallots, sherry vinegar, orange zest, and 1 1/2 teaspoons of salt. Whisk in the olive oil and set aside.

For the salad, trim the bottom half-inch from the endive and cut them diagonally into 1/2-inch slices. Separate the leaves and discard the cores. Place the slices in a large salad bowl. Add the mache leaves, oranges, raspberries, and toasted pecans. Toss with enough dressing to moisten. Gently toss in the warm duck meat and serve immediately.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/warm-duck-salad-recipe/index.html

Turtles can be delicious as well, but have two advantages over birds. Those advantages have their roots in one curious part of their anatomy, their shell. The shell protects turtles from danger, inspire boxing techniques see The Philly Shell and Peek-A-Boo, and serve as a home. I do not have to fly across a continent to find a new crissile. My home is portable. It is like living a trailer or RV with any of the stigma. It is the perfect mobile home.

Bulls are awesome. There is no denying that. Great economies have Bull markets. The People’s Champion The Rock often referred to himself as The Brahma Bull. Michael Jordan and my crackhead neighbor both played for The Chicago Bulls, and inspired this post. They are sacred to many in India, but these animals too have drawbacks. First off cows just aren’t that sexy of an animal. #NoBeasto Secondly, their testicles are often removed, which makes the sexiness of the cow null and void anyway. Finally, they are just angry. Why can’t they just vibe. Chill, kick back and enjoy the spoils of being a bull without going on goring sprees in the streets of Pamplona, Spain? Turtles are chill animals. They like to grub on vegetation, sun-bathe, and swim. They are in essence the stoners of the animal kingdom. The way they were characterized on Finding Nemo was spot-on. You want someone to fight in the party and mess it up for everyone: Invite a bull. If you want someone to come through and set a vibe of epic chillaxery, holla at your turtle homie.

Big Cat may rule the jungle, but when it comes to wang slangery, they leave a lot to be desired. The average lion can only remain within a lioness for 6 seconds. All the foreplay in the world is not enough to save a lioness from a life filled with unsatisfying sex. If not for Simba’s status as King of The Jungle, I am sure Nala would not have stayed with him. I also suspect she may have dated outside her species in an attempt to get properly sexed.

Turtles on the other hand do not have that problem. Watch as my man brings the ruckus in such an earth-shattering manner that his mate is speechless, while he is unable to contain his pleasure.

Shit I Have Tweeted Recently II

October 13, 2010

I have done this before: here. It went over decently, so I have decided to return to the well. Tweets have a lifespan of only six seconds according to a story that popped up in my Google Reader Feed sometime during the last couple of weeks. I just can’t let all of my tweets go gently into that good night. So Dash gets his necromancer on, and gives the world his zombie tweets. If you are inclined you can follow me here.

Dash’s Idea of Child Rearining

I am going to punch this good for nothing baby in the face.

Joel Osteen is EVIL!

I think @joelosteenmin is evil.

Foursquare Dash Style

#myhomelesssignwouldsay I Ousted Hobo Joe As The Mayor Of This Box

Expressing My Dismay At The Fashion Choices of Madame Minaj

Does Nicki Minaj know that she looks like she gets her fashion tips from one of The Mean Girls of Morehouse?

Here Dash Explains The Popularity and Power of the NFL

The 4th String Running Back for The Saints is a trending topic. If that is not enough to impress upon you the power of football nothing will.

Those Perplexing Creatures From Venus Explained

Even though you are not made if glass, it is perfectly reasonable to stand in front of the tv during the big game. #chicklaw

Here Dash Is Unable To Contain His Disdain For The Atlanta Braves

I despise Bobby Cox. I am happy that he went out like a sucker.

Deriding The Culinary Skillz of Cheeks

@pinchmycheekie‘s steak was so tough you’d need @sherylunderwood‘s teeth to chew it.

Touching On Football and Fashion

My main man Keyshawn Johnson is always fly. ESPN should really consider making “Key Matchups” a real segment.

Crafting A New Idiom For The 21st Century

“Like coke on Lindsay Lohan’s nose” will soon replace “like white on rice” in America’s lexicon.

Expressing My Hatred For Pretty Woman And Julia Roberts

Julia Roberts is so unattractive. She was the element of Pretty Woman that made the story unbelievable.

Political Commentary From The Reverend Dr. Dash

The Republican congressional majority did not lick their wounds when they were defeated. It looked Pelosi’s in the eyes and said#illbeback.

Celebrating Columbus The Dashmanian Way

Ugly women, old people, andchildren will catch hell today from me. It is Columbus Day which means I don’t have to take shit off of anyone.

Vivid Imagery From The Fingertips of Dash

File:Sesame Street Hal Miller as Gordon with Susan and Oscar.jpg

Those greens look like the pubes that clog the shower drain of Oscar The Grouch. #ThePlate

Dash Ponders the plight of The Trapped Chilean Miners

Does anyone think the trapped Chilean miners have resorted to “dropping the soap” yet?

Dash tweets about The Willow Smith Craze

The bald headed broads lose their minds when that “hair whippin” song gets played.

Dash Tweets About Spirituality

Nicki Minaj and The Dalai Lama are the principle spiritual influences in my life.

You Have Been Deceived

October 6, 2010

Shia LeBeouf is already beating the drum for Transformers 3: The Dark Side of The Moon, claiming that it will the best film of the series.

Despite expressing the feeling that he “wasn’t impressed” with “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” franchise superstar Shia LaBeouf is pretty sure the third film will be the best of the series.

“The script is the best script we’ve had,” LaBeouf said. “The second movie, we were in the middle of a writers’ strike, writing on the go,” he explained. “The first movie, we had the discovery, and this movie really is the fruition of the rhythm we’ve created out of five years working together. I’m super proud of this movie.”

“This is, and I’m not just BS-ing you, it’s the best movie we’ve made of the three by far,” LaBeouf told MTV News recently about “Transformers 3,” adding that director Michael Bay showed him 40 minutes of footage that had him feeling extra confident about the final product.

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1649202/20101001/story.jhtml

All this honesty about the quality of Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen does little to ease the hurt that that film caused me, and millions of other men, women, and children who viewed it in theaters. There are many wounds from those films that I thought had scabbed over and healed, but the interview where the excerpt was lifted from above has opened my eyes up to the reality for my need of closure with Transformers 2. I am sure you are expecting me to complain about The Twins; who will not be in the third film of the series, but since I did not know that they were supposed to Black until a friend brought it up hours later, I did not allow it 4o get me angry.

My main problem with Transformers 2 is that it paints the Decepticons in a negative light. It seeks to make Megatron and company seem selfish and cowardly, when it is The Auto-bots who are seen rolling  up on sleeping Decepticons and shooting them in the head at close range.  All The Decepticons were doing is trying to live, and murdering sentient beings in cold-blood is not heroic, though Michael Bay tries his hardest to convince the viewer that it is.

The evil nature of Optimus Prime becomes evident in Transformers 2, but the Auto-bot apologists probably will refuse to see him for what he really is. Optimus is dispicable, self-loathing, and is going to be the death of his race. He can and should be likened to Clarence Thomas. I now refer to him as Optimus Tom now. He destroyed the only known Energon generating machine without first figuring out how it works. It is clear from the film that the Auto-Bots do not know how to build another machine.

*Note: Energon is the food source of Cybertronians(Auto-Bots and Decepticons) and is essential to reproducing their kind.

The Decepticons are trying to make sure that their people have a future. I can’t be mad at them for that. The Decepticons’s struggles mirrors those faced by minorities and indigenous people around the world. The Auto-Bots are willfully involved in some Cointelpro-like machinations. Optimus Prime is the Cybertronian equivalent of the lightskint intelligence agent in Panther who flooded the African American community with drugs. Self-preservation is the law of the land. Optimus Tom is going against the principle of survival of the fittest.

THE TRANSFORMERS: FOCUS ONŠ DECEPTICONS!

The callous disregard that Optimus had for the sacrifice of others was made evident with his behavior after the climactic fight scene. He just tossed aside the parts that made him into an unstoppable force like they were nothing.

Megatron should change his name Huey P. Newton Bot which would go a long way toward getting people to see him in a proper light.

“I think what motivates us is not great hate, but great love for our people.”-Megatron

If That’s Your Boyfriend He Wasn’t Last Night

October 5, 2010

I am trying to decide if I am a Troubadour or a Dusty Foot Philosopher…Any how the cooler months are upon us, and they bring with them The Cuffing Season.

Urban Dictionary defines “Cuffing Season” as “the season in which everyone is getting coupled up usually around when the weather is beginning to change and it is getting cold outside…”

It is seasonal rite that is as important as Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Xma$, and this year the season is endangered more than usual. Every year forces conspire to distract men from participating in weather based “booeration”. The usual culprits, The NFLand fantasy football are generally easy to manage as the NFL’s schedule makers do women a favor by scheduling the majority of their games on Sunday.  This year Cuffing season faces threats that it has never encountered before. These new villains combined, have the potential to force women who live in colder climes to rely only on electric blankets and their degrees to keep them warm at night.  What are these new threats?

NBA 2K11

NBA 2K11 Screenshot

I am going to violate a Man Law here, and drop some knowledge on you ladies. No matter how much your man loves you, there is a good chance that he loves Michael Jordan more. His Royal Airness retired 8 years ago, but still holds a special place in the imagination of men who born after 1959. 2K sports has capitalized on Michael Jordan’s exalted status and delivered one of the most hotly anticipated sports video games of the past 10 years. Critics have been showering the finished product with accolades. IGN has gone on to say NBA 2K11 is the best sports game of it’s generation. I know what you are thinking, “sports games are released and lauded every year, what makes this game different? I become a widow for a couple of weeks when Madden, NCAA Football, of FIFA come out”.

I am alerting you to the fact that this is an entirely different animal. In this game you really get to “BE” Jordan. This is the closet that anyone, including Kobe Bryant will ever get to be Air Jordan. Your man will be scarce. If that’s your boyfriend he won’t be after tonight.

The Miami Heat’s Big Three

The combination of Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh has left the rest of NBA overcome with panurgic trembling. The NBA season is a long slog. Even die-hard fans often find themselves struggling during January after the high from the start of the season wanes. This year will be different. The experiment in South Beach will have eyeballs glued to the tube, and will eliminate all of the lulls that would normally crop up during the winter sports season. The MLB playoffs run right up to the start of The NBA season. The hype of the NBA season will provide your man with added ways to entertain himself while waiting on the NFL playoffs to begin, and just when you think your “man” is all basketballed out, The NBA Trade deadline and the accompanying Carmelo Sweepstakes kicks into high gear…expect to get a lot less attention during the non-cutting hours of 8AM to 12PM and 1PM to 11:30PM.

The Japanese Handjob Machine

The Japanese have always been on the cutting edge of sex technology. Their panty selling vending machines are a full 30 years ahead of the rest of the world. The Japanese have also been on the bleeding edge of sex android research, and are probably on the verge of a breakthrough that will shake the sex toy world; destroying the blow up doll industry in the process. In the interim this incredible piece of tech pictured above will be the first  real threat to women’s sexual utility. The Japanese Handjob Machine will do what is generally a detested sexual act on demand, with no grousing, expectations of a quid pro quo, or hourly fee. After a week The JHM will pay for itself. Sure it’s not dome, poontang, or a trip up the chocolate road, but it will hit the spot for your man while he is dropping “The Double Nickel” on The New York Knicks while rocking “The Four-Five”.

Ladies get your mind right. The neighborhood bicycle is not the only thing coming to snatch you wig. I suggest you cozy up to a bottle of wine, and keep your phones charged for when there is a lull in the action and your cuffing partner can text you.

*Note this does not necessarily apply if you are coupling with a  man who is sensitive, incredibly thirsty, or femme lesbian*

I Hope He Cheats On You…

October 4, 2010

The title is a bit misleading. I actually wish you and your new beau the best. Your happiness has always been the most important thing to me. If I would have been giving you what you needed you would have never strayed.  But if I were as vindictive as say Marsha Ambrosious in “I Hope She Cheats On You(With A Basketball Player)” {see above}, I would be giddy at the idea of him doing to you what you did to me with men of various occupations.

Fatherless Hoodrat

Yes fatherless hoodrat is a profession. Leeching off of the government, squeezing out babies, swallowing kids, and being satisfied with only the bare necessities of life is a career. *Shouts out to class warriors of The  “No Wedding, No Womb” Movement* Some historians believe that hoodratism, and not prostitution is the oldest profession. I know a woman of your bearing abhors the idea of being with a man who has such little class that he would put swine before pearls…that’s why I hope he hops in the mud on you.

*That last sentence could easily be a reference to anal sex. Something you were not into.*

Drag Queen

File:Lypsinka 1 by David Shankbone.jpg

You like many women who are fans of Oprah Winfrey and Terri Morrison have largely unfounded fears of men doing things on the down-low in a non-R-Kellian manner. I am the shock of finding out that he gave the business to a man who aspires to appear on “Ru Paul’s Drag Race” would leave you feeling some kind of way.

Wheel Chair Basketball Player

File:Wheelchair basketball 090923 akita cropped.jpg

I know you have always had a slight revulsion for the handicapable. The mind-fuck that would result from you coming home to find him giving brain to “Denise Handicapped” would probably leave you in the fetal position.

*Note The Dash Mane is not a sour apple bitter bitch. He wishes all his former flames the best in their future endeavors.*

You have the floor. What kind of person would soul crush your Ex if his new boo cheats on him?

Revisited Album Reviews

October 3, 2010

I recently reviewed Waka Flaka Flame’s debut album Flockavelli. My review of this watershed moment in hip hop has left more questions than answers. In an effort to answer those questions, I have decided to revisit my reviews of albums from the past. This is a service for those who in light of my desire a way to properly gauge my enthusiastic review of Flocakvelli.

Plies Drops Another Classic:Da Realist

01. Me And My Goons 4:07
02. **** U Gon’ Do Bout It 3:17
03. Gotta Be 4:21
04. Want It, Need It (Feat Ashanti) 3:50
05. Plenty Money 3:54
06. Family Straight 3:45
07. Make A Movie 3:12
08. 2nd Chance 5:05
09. Spend The Night 3:36
10. Heard Of Me 3:53
11. All Black 4:14
12. Street Light (Feat Sean Garrett) 3:38
13. I Chase Paper 4:12
14. Pants Hang Low 3:56
15. Co-Defendant 4:27
16. Put It On Ya (Feat Chris J) 4:18

There aren’t enough choppas in my rating system to accurately depict the greatness of this album. The goons will definately feel this one. Da Realest is a veritable potpourri of realness, goonery, thuggery, and buggery(no homo) that will only be understood by those who can be defined as real. Plies just shows no signs of letting up with his onslaught against fakes and lames. Da Realest is another shot at the bow of Industry Nigg*s and your favorite rappers. Plies provides certified goons with a classic panty-wetting jam in the form of “Want it, Need it”-featuring Ashanti. He covers all the necessary bases, but that is what is expected from the rap game’s MVP, and modern-day Tupac. This album gets a very rare 9 Choppas.

Universal Mind Control:Common Expect Excuses From Book Reading Niggas

01- Universal Mind Control [03:34]
02- Punch Drunk Love Ft. Kanye West [04:15]
03- Make My Day Ft. Cee-Lo [03:59]
04- Sex 4 Suga [04:03]
05- Announcement Ft. Pharrell [03:46]
06- Gladiator [04:07]
07- Changes Ft. Muhsinah [03:58]
08- Inhale [03:12]
09- What A World [03:58]
10- Everywhere Ft. Martina Topley-Bird [03:15]

Common Stans your fears of another uneven, uninspired, cliched, mediocre album were founded. This album sucks worse than Canada.

It pains me as a Rattler to see Common $ense lose his way like this.
Chicago takes another L, and I ain’t talking about transit.

Dasher gives it only 1 1/2 Choppas

OJ Da Juice Man Reinvents Trap Hop With The Other Side of the Trap

Support The Artists, Buy Their Music….

01. I Be Trappin 02:18
02. Good Night (Feat. Gucci Mane) 04:03
03. Hell Of A Life 04:23
04. Nah Ming 03:08
05. Batman 04:08
06. I’m Gettin Money 04:48
07. Washing Powder 03:52
08. Make Tha Trap Say Aye (Feat. Gucci Mane) 04:19
09. 50 Bricks 03:57
10. Yung Juice 03:36
11. Old School Cars 04:20
12. Cop A Chicken 01:47
13. Banker (Feat. Kourtney Money) 04:15
14. Bouldercrest 04:05
15. Trap Work 04:03
16. Oj Flyest 03:56
17. Yeah (Feat. Kourtney Money, Wooh Da Kid And Keta) 03:04

I was awestruck by the awesomeness of Tha Other Side of the Trap. OJ Da Juiceman, is a poet-hustler-adlib savant, that should have an even larger fan base than he currently enjoys. The album gets 9 Choppas Up.