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Stocking Stuffers

November 10, 2010

It is that time of year again where credit cards get maxed out, relatives over stay their welcome, and people try to convince themselves that there is something beautiful about barren, death-filled snowscapes that come with Winter. Welcome to the Holiday Season! In recognition of this momentous time of year, I will offer stocking stuffer ideas for the important people in your life. Fa-la-la-la motherfuckers!

File:ChristmasStockingsHung wb.jpg

For The Teen Mom In Your Life Who Will Soon Occupy The Whitehouse:

Rhythm

Bristol Palin is not only the unwitting poster child for the failings and irony of “The Abstinence Only” education movement, she and her mother are also poster children for the failings of democracy. “Rule By The Mob” is the only reason why Bristol is still alive on “Dancing With The Stars”. Her attempts at dance have had Fossi turning 360s in his tomb for weeks.

For The Profession Basketball Playing Velociraptor In Your Life:

A Sack

Chris Bosh needs to get a sack because he is playing on the offensive end like he lacks one. Chris is at his best when he is assertive and instinctual with the ball in his hand. The best part of Chris’ offensive arsenal is his face-up game, which is effective primarily because of the quickness he displays that allows him to drive on slower big men. Chris get yourself a set of testicles and start playing your game. A passive Chris Bosh is a useless Chris Bosh, is a traded Chris Bosh. Quit being a bitch.

For The Code Violating Cancer Patient In Your Life:

An Audition To Star As Lex Luthor In Zack Snyder’s Superman Reboot

Charlie Villanueva, who suffers from alopecia unversalis, a condition that leaves his body completely hairless and an easy target for ridicule. Recently during a game pitting Villanueva’s Pistons against The Celtics of Boston, Kevin Garnett may have likened Villanueva’s apperance to that of a cancer patient. Whether or not the comparison was apt is not important, neither are the possibilities that it brought painful memories of a lifetime of teasing suffered by Charlie flooding back, or if it offended the sensibilities of cancer patients, their loved ones, or alopecia unversalis sufferers and their loved ones.

So Reverend what about The “Cancer Patient Incident”  is important?

The thing that is important is that in a stroke of Machiavellian brilliance Charlie took his grievance against KG to the Twitter and touched off a media firestorm. Charlie was able to deflect attention from his subpar performance, and  his cancerous effect on his team and The NBA. If Charlie can channel his vulpine instincts into the role he was born to play, Lex Luthor, he may garner Oscar consideration.

For The Disgraced Mega-Church Pastor In Your Life:

The Pedophile’s Guide To Love and Pleasure

You will have to get this gift for Ol’ Uncle Eddie as ASAP, as there is a petition movement afoot to force Amazon to remove the book, and other products similar to it,  from it’s online marketplace.

*Dash does not approve of pedophilia in anyway, and would love for you to sign the petition to get Amazon to pull the book. He also does not approve of Jheri Curl-Eddie Munster combo haircuts, or The Tea Party Movement high-jacking America’s televised talent shows. Dash Out


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9 Comments leave one →
  1. November 11, 2010 5:45 am

    I’m going to need Chris Hansen to put one of his black-ops teams on the people responsible for the child raping book.

    • November 11, 2010 8:50 am

      The book maxed out my inexhaustible bad taste meter. I generally have a anything goes approach to publishing, but I draw the line at molestation.

      I think a lot of people bought the book for the lulz and as gag gifts.

  2. November 11, 2010 8:47 am

    LOL, don’t you know the pedophile guy was on the tv talking about it will help keep kids safe and from being murdered and kidnapped.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany

    • November 11, 2010 9:02 am

      I think he interviewed real pedophiles. I think giving parents a resource to delve into the mind of pedophiles on the surface is not a bad idea, but from what I gather this book was on some Penthouse Forum ish.

  3. November 20, 2010 5:58 pm

    LOL. I think the best part was the lack of hang time in Chris Bosh’s Cornrows.

    Pure hilarity. SMH

  4. Jefferson Cash Money permalink
    November 23, 2010 3:14 pm

    Baby boy.. you had me at “vulpine instincts.” I feel like you’re holding back out on this one though. Surely there are other archetypes in our lives we’ve observed. This was too fantastic to be denied a sequel.

  5. December 14, 2014 3:29 pm

    I was so confused about what to buy, but this makes it unrlbstandadee.

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