If That’s Your Boyfriend He Wasn’t Last Night
I am trying to decide if I am a Troubadour or a Dusty Foot Philosopher…Any how the cooler months are upon us, and they bring with them The Cuffing Season.
Urban Dictionary defines “Cuffing Season” as “the season in which everyone is getting coupled up usually around when the weather is beginning to change and it is getting cold outside…”
It is seasonal rite that is as important as Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Xma$, and this year the season is endangered more than usual. Every year forces conspire to distract men from participating in weather based “booeration”. The usual culprits, The NFLand fantasy football are generally easy to manage as the NFL’s schedule makers do women a favor by scheduling the majority of their games on Sunday. This year Cuffing season faces threats that it has never encountered before. These new villains combined, have the potential to force women who live in colder climes to rely only on electric blankets and their degrees to keep them warm at night. What are these new threats?
I am going to violate a Man Law here, and drop some knowledge on you ladies. No matter how much your man loves you, there is a good chance that he loves Michael Jordan more. His Royal Airness retired 8 years ago, but still holds a special place in the imagination of men who born after 1959. 2K sports has capitalized on Michael Jordan’s exalted status and delivered one of the most hotly anticipated sports video games of the past 10 years. Critics have been showering the finished product with accolades. IGN has gone on to say NBA 2K11 is the best sports game of it’s generation. I know what you are thinking, “sports games are released and lauded every year, what makes this game different? I become a widow for a couple of weeks when Madden, NCAA Football, of FIFA come out”.
I am alerting you to the fact that this is an entirely different animal. In this game you really get to “BE” Jordan. This is the closet that anyone, including Kobe Bryant will ever get to be Air Jordan. Your man will be scarce. If that’s your boyfriend he won’t be after tonight.
The Miami Heat’s Big Three
The combination of Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh has left the rest of NBA overcome with panurgic trembling. The NBA season is a long slog. Even die-hard fans often find themselves struggling during January after the high from the start of the season wanes. This year will be different. The experiment in South Beach will have eyeballs glued to the tube, and will eliminate all of the lulls that would normally crop up during the winter sports season. The MLB playoffs run right up to the start of The NBA season. The hype of the NBA season will provide your man with added ways to entertain himself while waiting on the NFL playoffs to begin, and just when you think your “man” is all basketballed out, The NBA Trade deadline and the accompanying Carmelo Sweepstakes kicks into high gear…expect to get a lot less attention during the non-cutting hours of 8AM to 12PM and 1PM to 11:30PM.
The Japanese Handjob Machine
The Japanese have always been on the cutting edge of sex technology. Their panty selling vending machines are a full 30 years ahead of the rest of the world. The Japanese have also been on the bleeding edge of sex android research, and are probably on the verge of a breakthrough that will shake the sex toy world; destroying the blow up doll industry in the process. In the interim this incredible piece of tech pictured above will be the first real threat to women’s sexual utility. The Japanese Handjob Machine will do what is generally a detested sexual act on demand, with no grousing, expectations of a quid pro quo, or hourly fee. After a week The JHM will pay for itself. Sure it’s not dome, poontang, or a trip up the chocolate road, but it will hit the spot for your man while he is dropping “The Double Nickel” on The New York Knicks while rocking “The Four-Five”.
Ladies get your mind right. The neighborhood bicycle is not the only thing coming to snatch you wig. I suggest you cozy up to a bottle of wine, and keep your phones charged for when there is a lull in the action and your cuffing partner can text you.
*Note this does not necessarily apply if you are coupling with a man who is sensitive, incredibly thirsty, or femme lesbian*