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Re-Incarnate Me As A Turtle

October 14, 2010

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be another animal. My mind tends to drift to the usual suspects, like Big Cats, penguins, flying fowl, and bulls. All these animals have drawbacks, unlike the  awesome turtle. If I am to be reincarnated as a “lower” being, I would like that being to be a turtle. Granted all things considered, my preference would be  to come back as a Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtle, provided it is not Michelangelo, but since it is unlikely that my reincarnated turtle-self will be introduced to the secrets of the ooze, being a regular turtle will suffice. Why would I rather be a turtle than any other creature? The answers are below. File:Florida Box Turtle Digon3 re-edited.jpg

Everyone loves the idea of flying. R.Kelly was so obsessed with it, that he took time out of his busy schedule of pissing the youth of Chicago, and collabos with Ronald Isley to record multiple songs and interludes about the majesty of taking flight. So I am sure you are asking me, what is the drawback of being a flying fowl? There are three issues that often come with being a flying fowl.

  1. The lightweight skeleton that makes birds light enough to fly has a drawback of making birds frail.
  2. Birds have to build nests, and/or migrate to have a decent place to live.
  3. Birds are often delicious, and are sought after by other animals as meals.

Warm Duck Salad


  • 2 boneless duck breasts, skin on (about 12 to 14 ounces each)
  • Kosher salt
  • 1 tablespoon minced shallots
  • 2 1/2 tablespoons good sherry vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon grated orange zest
  • 1/2 cup good olive oil
  • 3 heads Belgian endive
  • 3 ounces mache or other delicate baby lettuce
  • Navel oranges, peeled, cut in 1/2, and sliced
  • 1/2 pint fresh raspberries
  • 1 cup toasted whole pecan halves


Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

Place the duck breasts on a sheet pan, skin side up. Sprinkle with salt and roast for about 20 minutes, until medium-rare. Remove from the oven, cover tightly with aluminum foil, and allow to sit for 10 to 15 minutes. Remove and discard the fat and skin on top (unless you’re making cracklings), slice the duck, and then cut the slices crosswise into julienned pieces.

Meanwhile, in a small bowl, combine the shallots, sherry vinegar, orange zest, and 1 1/2 teaspoons of salt. Whisk in the olive oil and set aside.

For the salad, trim the bottom half-inch from the endive and cut them diagonally into 1/2-inch slices. Separate the leaves and discard the cores. Place the slices in a large salad bowl. Add the mache leaves, oranges, raspberries, and toasted pecans. Toss with enough dressing to moisten. Gently toss in the warm duck meat and serve immediately.

Turtles can be delicious as well, but have two advantages over birds. Those advantages have their roots in one curious part of their anatomy, their shell. The shell protects turtles from danger, inspire boxing techniques see The Philly Shell and Peek-A-Boo, and serve as a home. I do not have to fly across a continent to find a new crissile. My home is portable. It is like living a trailer or RV with any of the stigma. It is the perfect mobile home.

Bulls are awesome. There is no denying that. Great economies have Bull markets. The People’s Champion The Rock often referred to himself as The Brahma Bull. Michael Jordan and my crackhead neighbor both played for The Chicago Bulls, and inspired this post. They are sacred to many in India, but these animals too have drawbacks. First off cows just aren’t that sexy of an animal. #NoBeasto Secondly, their testicles are often removed, which makes the sexiness of the cow null and void anyway. Finally, they are just angry. Why can’t they just vibe. Chill, kick back and enjoy the spoils of being a bull without going on goring sprees in the streets of Pamplona, Spain? Turtles are chill animals. They like to grub on vegetation, sun-bathe, and swim. They are in essence the stoners of the animal kingdom. The way they were characterized on Finding Nemo was spot-on. You want someone to fight in the party and mess it up for everyone: Invite a bull. If you want someone to come through and set a vibe of epic chillaxery, holla at your turtle homie.

Big Cat may rule the jungle, but when it comes to wang slangery, they leave a lot to be desired. The average lion can only remain within a lioness for 6 seconds. All the foreplay in the world is not enough to save a lioness from a life filled with unsatisfying sex. If not for Simba’s status as King of The Jungle, I am sure Nala would not have stayed with him. I also suspect she may have dated outside her species in an attempt to get properly sexed.

Turtles on the other hand do not have that problem. Watch as my man brings the ruckus in such an earth-shattering manner that his mate is speechless, while he is unable to contain his pleasure.

11 Comments leave one →
  1. October 14, 2010 5:05 pm

    I have thought about being reincarnated as an animal, but never thought about being a turtle. You make a good case – and also they have one of the longest lifespans of any animal. But that one could go either way. If you discover you don’t like being a turtle you could be stuck with it for a looooong time.

    P.S. the turtle porn rocked.

    • October 14, 2010 5:09 pm

      I was compelled to write this post after looking at my pet turtle being a hedonistic bastard. He swam a little, ate a little, and chilled for a couple of hours on a rock. All he needed was some female turtle to hump on, and his day would have been a grand slam.

  2. October 14, 2010 5:20 pm

    That turtle gets me every time! LOL! Now that I think of it, not a bad choice for a reincarnation animal.

  3. October 14, 2010 5:30 pm

    I think I would have to pick a dog for my reincarnation choice. If you get a good owner you get a similar hedonistic lifestyle. And you can lick yourself.

    • October 14, 2010 6:25 pm

      I am sure dog and cat are at the top of most people’s reincarnation list. I would hate to be reincarnated as a pet who gets dressed up in silly costumes. I could not look the other dogs in the eye after that.

  4. MPeezy permalink
    October 14, 2010 6:59 pm

    I was thinkin’ being a lion would b that deal, but mayb there’s sumthin 2 the turtle thing….

  5. Intellectual Hedonist permalink
    October 15, 2010 4:01 pm

    man I need a cigarette after watching that.

    It really made me rethink my animal species hierarchy

  6. Smokee permalink
    October 15, 2010 5:52 pm

    the turtle has a poohsee in his mouth

  7. J-Money permalink
    October 16, 2010 11:57 pm

    Dash, I’ve always thought you despised the stoner mentality because of its lack of productivity and the bullshit placebo effect deemed “da munchiez.”. SEems you’ve changed quite a bit. Anyways enjoyed the mating vid immensely.. I am f*ckin loving the sexual moans. Would you happen to know any other animals that can squeak in such delightful ecstacy? Ya boy could use some vocal inspiration to emulate in his college escapades.

    This blog is fucking fantastic. Every article input done thus far has been vastly different from its previous one. What will the next one compose of..

  8. Talix permalink
    June 30, 2011 10:30 pm

    This is awesome, I agree one hundred percent. Plus I’ve seen a turtle love session in person.

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