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The Medusa Strain

August 24, 2010

I try not to judge people. Most faiths and PBS kids shows look down on the practice.  But I, and The Based God give myself a pass when it comes to libidinous considerations. This past weekend I found myself cast in the role of bouncer at a children’s party. How I was blessed with this non-paying gig is beyond my understanding.

Oh Based God would you please reveal your divine plan for me?

Any how while at this rug rat gathering I found myself in the presencesof walking male birth control pills, which is ironic seeing as how all these women have children.  The capsule version of the male birth control pill is expected to drop sometime in 2011.

I have given a considerable amount of thought to how many women are going to fall for that, “I am on the pill line”? I am setting that number at 87% of the STD and unwanted pregnancy cases that will pop up after the pill makes its debut.

OK where was I?

Their faces were so horrid my balls built a time machine so they could go back to a stage of pre-dropped innocence.  Yes my wang apparatus reverted to pupa stage. I have done two thing my whole life:

1)Fight

2)Be under the impression that Gorgons were extinct.

Did I mention that I was the only single male there?

Well I just did.

Any how out of respect for the power of Gorgons I refused to look any of them in the eye. My refusal to make eye contact was construed as shyness, and holleration was still attempted.

When offered alcoholic beverages I refused citing my non-existent strict Muslim faith.  I went so far as to criticize their dress and wanton immorality, all while sporting clean shave and eating a hamburger in the middle of the day …in the middle of Ramadan. The strong anti-Western views were ignored, and holleration was till attempted.

Frustrated I broke the bouncer code and abandoned my post, which led to the unattended children discovering an unattended bottle of rot gut vodka and getting True Blood wasted. My irresponsibility was brushed aside, and holleration was still attempted.

I threw my hands up and cast my eyes to the heavens and bellowed, “oh Based God what does a brother have to do to render himself unappealing to Gorgons?

A stillness momentarily gripped the air, and a car rolled by playing this:

I offered those Gorgons to The Based God. It is what he wanted all along.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Tony Tescadero permalink
    August 24, 2010 5:25 am

    I need to figure out what’s up with this Lil’ B guy. …’male birth control’? yikes. Baby mommas and sillyignoramitis? typical. Yo aini’t know? Ugly broads are ALL the rave this year! Everyone’s knocking one up. They’re SO easy!

    • August 24, 2010 6:01 am

      I am convinced Lil B is playing an elaborate Andy Kauffmanesque joke.

  2. Jefferson Cash permalink
    August 24, 2010 5:59 am

    Loved reading this. Had great elements of comedy and tragedy just like that fucker Billy Shakespeare would have he morphed Romeo and Juliet with Twelfth Night. An eclectic mix of insect references in conjunction with mythology and religion was simply dazzling. I can tell you’ve been reading Gore Vidal from this.. he tends to blend these three.

    Dash.. you’ve previously stated that you’re a huge flirt. Now I know you’re no proponent of karma, or “what goes around comes around” as witnessed by but.. uhh you can’t exactly say you didn’t deserve this. Fucking with females emotions and blatantly consuming flesh and alcohol while being playing the Muslim nichee… hahahaha. No doubt hilarious.. but a bit too ruthless and deceptive for my darker tastes..

    As for turning off the ladies.. I think you’re gonna have to violate your hygiene code and deliberately do nasty shit. We talkin picking boogers, having some weak ass hunchback posture etc. it’ll be tough, but as you seek your soul inwards, you shall grasp the peaceful, unenthusiastic, all-loving, uninteresting, dorky, naive, easy, unchallenging side of your persona that’ll forever bore women.. After all there can not be a sexy without no, no sexy.

  3. August 24, 2010 6:11 am

    “I went so far as to criticize their dress and wanton immorality, all while sporting clean shave and eating a hamburger in the middle of the day …in the middle of Ramadan. ”

    LMAOOOO! I woulda bee alllll over that – you cant fool me!
    lol

    L

  4. August 26, 2010 10:12 pm

    Hilarious…. Loved how you talked about all the messed up things that ocurred yet “holleration was still attempted” ROFL….

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