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Matchmaker Dash

August 4, 2010

Dash generally resists the urge to matchmake. The potential for things to go wrong is too great. A faulty match has the chance to ruin multiple friendships. Dash has come upon a special case which has caused Dash to decide to set aside his fears, and search for potential mates for someone I love and admire, South Park Satan. SPS, as I will refer to him for the duration of this post has a lot of good qualities. SPS is loving, giving, ambitious, healthy, wealthy, and physically fit. His kind eyes causes SPS to see the good in irredeemable men. SPS just has had such a hard time finding a quality mate that he is on the verge of giving up. His old boyfriends tended to have been overbearing, manipulative, users who were fond of pushing the peace loving SPS to war with The Kingdom of Heaven. SPS has shown that he is happy ruling his kingdom, but gets lonely and needs a loving man with a bad boy streak to share it with.

Potential Mates:

Al Davis

Al is definitely a bad boy, and has experience lording over his own dark kingdom. Al has shown to be open to breaking down barriers. He has blazed trails by putting women, African-Americans, and Latinos in prominent positions in his organization years before anyone else was bold enough to do so. So a romance with the red skinned Lord of Hell should not be too much of a stretch for him.  Al’s cons are his tendency to be petty, belligerent, stubborn, ambitious, and elderly. If Satan wants Al to blow his back out he will have to restore Al to a younger form. Al also presents a war risk. If he finds out that Pete Rozelle made it to heaven, there will be issues.

Leopold “Butters” Scotch

This is a no-brainer if SPS believes age to be nothing but a number. Butters has had his anus probed on multiple occasions, and has flashed both flamboyant and evil streaks. He would be the perfect Tenderoni for SPS to bring along slowly, and teach him the game. Butters also has no problem putting on a show, and would perform for SPS and his minions at dinner parties and fish fries with no hesitation.

Jay Z

As a member of The Illuminati, Jay is hellbound anyway. He might as well make the most out of it by ruling at the side of The Prince of Darkness. SPS would have no problem putting Jay Z’s DSLs to use for all eternity, and SPS’s caring nature could do a lot to get Jigga over his “Daddy” issues that often drag down his music.

*If you have any other suggestions for lovers for South Park Satan feel free to make suggestions.*

2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 5, 2010 2:53 am

    You are HILARIOUS! And you just might be able to get with SPS cause you going to hell with that “Butters” mention!



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