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The End of the Mario-Peach Relationship

July 15, 2010

Princess Peach is always dick teasing Mario. How much longer is he going to keep running up behind this broad and “saving” her. She is obviously giving up the goodies to Bowser.” That is what I said to myself as I watched/played the opening level/cut scene of Mario Galaxy II.

The Mario-Peach relationship started after a chance meeting at a DMV area nightclub called The Mushroom Kingdom. Mario was tripping the blight fantastic with his taller, handsomer younger brother Luigi, and their tag-a-long friends Yoshi and Toad. Mario spied a PYT, or pretty young thang vibing by herself by the bar. Mario being the playa that he was could not resist the opportunity for holleration. Her name was Peach, and Mario brought his A game.

“Where Did You Come From Lady
And Ooh Won’t You Take Me There”

She reminded him of his Yamaha, Jeep, and his rare Honus Wagner tobacco baseball card. Mario saw shawty from the back.

Peach had a walk that suggested head.

Side Note: I was said to have a walk that suggested head at work by a 57 year old woman. I once heard Common say something similar in a song. Four conclusions can be drawn by that awkward moment:

1)Slightly bow-legged confident gaits suggest head.

2)She listens to Common

3)She used the same line on Common, who then used it in a song.

4)I am still the MFing Mango.

OK back to the lecture at hand:

He had never seen an ass like that, even though she had a man, he felt compelled to pursue her. And pursue her he did. Man-eating plants that resembled drag queens, ugly friends,  lava pits, ghosts and a host other things tried to stop his pursuit, but the homie was undaunted. Mario really wanted to see what was in those jeans, and eventually became sprung.  Peach sensed Mario’s desperation, and predictably used it against him. Instead of being Peach’s splackavelli, a brotha a girl can call when her man aaint treating her right, as Mario originally intended, he became her do boy. Peach constantly sent him on dangerous missions to prove his love, he even dragged his friends into them. This led to them attempting to make an intervention. An exasperated Mario told his friends and family that they did not understand. That they had never been in love before. Mario went on to tell his friends in excruciating simpish detail how he can’t eat or sleep, and has developed a habit of playing all his records until he does not want to hear them anymore, and then watching television until it goes off.

This infuriates his friends Sonic The Hedgehog and Crash Bandicoot, who are a part of this intervention, they can not believe a boss playa like Mario is going out like a sucker.  Sonic puts it to Mario thusly: “Change your tactics and goals with this yamp. You are dreaming of a picket fence life with this broad when it is obvious that shawty is no good.”

Crash added, “get the draws, and dismissed this dirty foot broad. Don’t be just another sucker.”

This got through to Mario. He declared,”I am back to being Super Mario Pussy Pumper #1. As God is my witness my Johnson shall never go hungry again! Ya’ll cats have proved your point. Let me get back to my playa ways.”

He whips out his cellie and dials Peach immediately. She answers, “Hey Mario, could you to th…” Mario cuts her off, “I know Bowser is out of town for the weekend, and you are alone. So what’s up with that pussy?!” A surprised Peach is stunned and turned on by the return of the goon she first met at the disco, “You can come through, but Bowser will not be gone for the weekend, he may even be back tonight.” Mario answers, “no worries. I am still coming.”

And come he did, so did she. Mario put his best joog on display. Peach’s back was blown out. “Mario I l…”, Mario does not stay long enough for her to finish that sentence. He begins to prepare to kick rocks. Mario is in bathroom washing his dick in the sink when an angry Bowser returned home, and happens upon the aftermath of Mario’s smasheration session.

Peach: This is not what it looks like!

Bowser: What is it supposed to look like? You obviously just fucked someone. I can smell the pussy in the air…Oh is the nigga still here?

Mario: stepping out of the restroom: Yeah I am still here. This was just a onetime thing. You can have her back. I am finished with her.

Bowser: What The Florida University is going on?!

Mario: (Turns to Bowser) Life is going on. Electric word life, it means forever.

Peach: What Mario, is it like that?

Mario: Yes it is like that. Fuck you and your pussy! Stay with Bowser if he will have you. He is a better man than me anyway. Ciao.

Peach and Bowser work things out, and live happily ever after.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 15, 2010 5:48 pm


    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  2. July 15, 2010 7:31 pm

    This was the most awesome blog evvveeerrr

  3. Julius Hinton permalink
    July 15, 2010 9:22 pm

    This shit is too funny man!!!

  4. July 16, 2010 8:57 am

    Wonderful site and theme, would really like to see a bit more content though!
    Great post all around, added your XML feed! Love this theme, too!

  5. July 22, 2010 12:52 am

    This brings me to an idea:…

  6. angie & amy permalink
    September 26, 2010 4:30 pm

    mario is just a short, fat plumber
    that is all

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