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I Do This Because I Love You

June 1, 2010

I stole candy from this baby:

Eight month old Damari, nephew of the good Reverend, victim of my evil machinations. Stole may not be the right word, and evil may also not be the proper term either. You see, I did this for his own good. In fact I would go as far to say that I was being altruistic.

My Thought Process was:

Introduce Baby to the Wonders of Technology/Distract Baby:I used my cell phone, and his weakness for shiny objects and lights. He got to press the buttons on my phone and taste it.

Free Him From A Future of High-Fructose Corn Syrup Addiction: High Fructose corn syrup is a destructive force in the lives of American youth, and they are usually hooked on it at a young age. I was being a good uncle by taking one for the team, and delaying the development of his  habit. I have seen many a child not understand the greatness of water because they became addicted to juice. When they did not get their juice fix, they were often cranky and violent.

Eat Candy/Reap Rewards /Do Not Waste Resources :My Native American blood has burdened me with the responsibility of never wasting anything candy included. Especially since it was one of these:

Well it was actually a green apple one, but whatevs...

Prevent a Choking Incident: Eight month old children should not be eating on hard candy anyway.

Steal Candy From a Baby For The Third Time and Unlock Achievement on XBOX Live

All in all those are good reasons for freeing him of his candy, dontcha think? But alas young Damari did not listen to me while I ate his candy, and extolled the virtues of fruits and vegetables. Instead in a junkie rage he dove at my face with his talons and fangs aching to rip into my well moisturized flesh, Coco Butter FTW!, to regain possession of his drug of choice. I, burdened with knowing that what I was doing was right for him did the only thing I could.  I Judo chopped him in the throat, dazed him, and threw a bottle in his mouth before he could yowl in pain. He was satiated, and I got to enjoy the delicious green apple Jolly Rancher in peace.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. June 1, 2010 5:53 am

    #fourwordsbeforedeath dash mane kilt me

    • June 1, 2010 2:28 pm

      I saved his life when I took that candy from him. He will thank me later for my selfless act.

  2. June 1, 2010 9:52 pm

    LOL, you so wrong for that one.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  3. Dercas permalink
    June 4, 2010 4:56 am

    Really judo chopped his butt, and licked up a jolly rancher? Not cool, matchez

  4. August 20, 2010 5:08 pm

    How could you steal something from a face like that?! Soooooo cute.


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