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Home Wrecking By Proxy

February 25, 2010

Any woman who has had any Romantic-type experience with me will testify to the fact that I am a tease. My interest is not always genuine. This can lead to unintended consequences.



I log onto Facebook, and see an old friend on. We begin to chat. Hellos are exchanged before I begin to indulge my curiosity. “This may seem a little rude, and you know that I pride myself on my tact and masculine grace, but when did you get pregnant?” “July”. I think to myself, “I was trying to hit that in July. Good thing I did not because she has proven to be fertile.” I start counting my teeth to figure out her due date before I ask her when it is. She replies, “April 29th.” Before I could congratulate her, or offer my condolences she drops a bomb, “You know my baby daddy and I broke up over those texts we used to exchange.” I am stunned into silence.A feeling of guilt and dread washes over me. My fingers leap away from the keyboard afraid to mix with the letters. I think to myself that this conversation can’t be salvaged.

My mind drifts back to the day we met. It was Valentine’s night of some indeterminate year. I accompanied a roommate on a night of good-old-fashioned American skirt chasery. The night was not going as well as I had hoped. My roomie was completely blowing my high with his thirst and putting off negative pheromones scaring off potential panthers…that is all I remember actually in the process of solo hunting her number ended up in my phone and the rest is largely uninteresting.


After that night we had a couple of phone conversations, hung out a couple of times, crossed paths on campus, and never slept together. Months, possibly years passed before we bumped into each other again in the parking lot of a popular night club. We exchanged embraces, and phone numbers. She seemed to be “wit it”, and so was I. We made plans to link up later that night, but were foiled by friends. I ended up on the coach of Apartment 412, and she ended up at home alone.

Over the next couple of weeks we periodically flirted through texts, and she foolishly did not delete them. Apparently she had a man the whole time, but was either too arrogant or for the lack of a better word dumb to delete our mildly flirtatious text convos. When I pondered that detail my guilt disappeared. She brought this on herself. This whole Maury-like incident, of which I am not truly a part of is all on her. Sure it is unfortunate that a child is missing out on the chance to have a nuclear family, but it was not I who made an effort to leave the bounds of a committed relationship to ride Dash Mountain. My conscious is cleared.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 26, 2010 8:19 pm

    Man, you are talking about my life. I keep telling folks that I know have signif others to delete my messages. Nothing wrong with harmless flirtation, until the other persons crazy boyfriend or psycho girlfriend finds the messages and calls you out on them.


    • February 27, 2010 5:57 pm

      I just don’t know what is the point of keeping salacious texts, if a person is interested in having their cake and eating it too. What’s so hard about deleting them to keep the peace?

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